Classmate Response 1/28/11

I'm just a small town girl in a big old world,
Trying to live my dream.
They all say it's not easy,
But it's all inside of me.

Everytime I look around,
They try to tear me down,
But one day everyone will see,
Me get out of this town.

As I walk the streets,
People stop and stare.
This whole town knows
That I don't really care.

What I like:

I love that the author wrote this poem out of frustration and was able to release some of that tension building inside of her by writing. I like the line, “They all say it’s not easy But it’s all inside of me.” I might reword it a bit though, to keep from sounding sound everyday about it (use the defamiliarization technique we talked about in class). But again, props to you for writing about a bad experience like this and for letting all of us read it!

What I would change:

There is a little too much cliché happening. The first line sounds like something I’ve heard before. I’d like to know more about the situation…what is your major that your parents don’t like? What were some of the things they said to you? And what emotions were you feeling specifically? Say something about getting out of GA! I like where you could go with that.

 The rhyming is good, but I feel that maybe it held back some of the creativity that could have flowed here. Try to expand on what you already have and let your readers experience some of what you were feeling so that we can relate to your situation.