Classmate Response 2/27/11

Mom

You mean the world to me
You healed my hurts when I was little
And loved me unconditionally
You sacrificed so much for me

With you open arms and loving heart
You've given me love, guidance, and strength
You support me in everything I do
And allow me to persevere
With your strength I can conquer all

You have shown me how to love unselfishly
You are the example by which I live my life
I hope someday I can be half as amazing
As the mother you are to me

Katie,

I’m sure your mother loved this poem; I know my mom would if this was something I had written for her. The danger here is sounding too much like a hallmark card. This is not really a bad thing in my opinion, though. Someone has to write those little greetings, right?? J

However, if you want this to be less flowery, I suggest you change a few aspects of it. I would rework the first stanza completely to break away from the expected. However, if you worked it creatively, maybe keep “You healed my hurts when I was little.” This is kind of a cliché “mom” type attribution, but I really believe a solid image or memory would really progress the poem. I think you should go back to a specific time that you remember your mom making you feel better and write at least your whole first stanza about it to help your readers connect with the poem.

The second stanza has abstractions galore. Try adding some more concrete images like we talking about in class.

In the third stanza, I would take the second line “You are the example by which I live my life” and expand it with a legitimate illustration of how this is the case. If you make this poem more personal, I believe you will be able to find greater depth within it.