Classmate Response 3/20/11

Inspiration

I wanna play
Just as good as you, but better
I wanna stroke the strings
Talk about intimate things
Almost like you, but better.
I wanna get lost in the song
Let my body roam where it doesn't belong
And put my fans out of their misery
Have their hearts, their minds
Have their bodies for one night
And keep them wanting more forever
I wanna make people feel the way
You made me feel
Like you wrote these tunes and sang the blues
With intentions to make me ecstatic and cry
How do you do it...make me melt?
How do your stories come out so heartfelt?
I wanna be that good
Exceed limitations
If that then happens
MAybe i'll go out on tour
Maybe i'll see you there
Maybe there could be a table and meal that we
both share.
Maybe our minds could cross paths
And our souls intertwine
You'll tell me your dreams
And i'll tell you mine
I can't tell you that for years, you've been my inspiration
Or just how much you've contributed to this talented creation.


I think this is a good poem! With some work, I think it could be great.
I'm pretty sure the lowercase "i's" are unintentional. If not, I think you should change it. Also the puntuation is a little all over the place, so pull it back together! That will make it more cohesive. Also, the rhyme scheme doesn't really flow so well for me. If you want to play with different schemes in one poem, maybe you should break it up into seperate pieces instead of one long stretch.

I really liked a lot of the lines in the poem: "I wanna stroke the strings/Talk about intimate things" was my favorite part. The sensuality of this poem is really awesome without being extremely obvious, and I really like that. In fact, I love the whole beginning so much that I think you should go back and make sure that it connects all the way through because it's really awesome. Compared to the beginning, the end is a little weak--"I can't tell you that for years, you've been my inspiration/Or just how much you've contributed to this talented creation." I found it entirely too predictable. However, I really love the rest of the poem so I think it you make a few ,(especially there) it will be really awesome!