Slowly she walks by watching all the people. Her head is held high but she twirls her hair and looks ever so down everytime she is near any one person. Eighty degrees outside and she covers her skin in baggy jeans and an oversized sweatshirt. She hides her eyes and most of her face behind big dark sunglasses, and scuries just a little bit faster through the crowd. Obviously she is sad, as she makes her way to the library unnoticably, to go sit in silence, alone, and bury her head into her books in order to avoid her truth.
I assume this was written in class the day that we were watching the people walk by. I like a lot about it, but there are a few things I would change.
Like: Descriptions-I really like the images of someone literally "covering their skin in baggy jeans and an oversized shirt" in 80 degree weather. And then the over sized sunglasses are like icing on the cake. Really, really good...it reads so well.
What I would consider editing/changing: "Head held high" does not fit this time of person that is described later. Also the word "she" is used a lot. It would be great to have some variety there. Also, if it's "obvious that she is sad" I would like to know why, and a little more background information...be creative! Make up something totally crazy tragic that this person is trying to forget or hide from! If that's too cliche. try writing something opposite. Maybe she is under cover for something. It kind of sounds like it from her description. The possibilities are endless...and the decription you have of the girl is really great! Keep working on it and I think that something totally awesome can be born.
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